Published on July 11th, 2010 | by Bryant Kazmerzak, Contributor
Tier One Beards and You: A Primer
E3 2010 has come and gone, and with it our fears of an unfulfilling year of gaming.
Several titles were showcased, with some of the biggest ones being Call Of Duty: Black Ops, Epic Mickey, Castlevania, and Bulletstorm, but one of the biggest announcements was of Medal Of Honor’s multiplayer.
With MOH’s multiplayer, players will have an opportunity to customize their appearance in many facets, but one of the most surprising ways will be the inclusion of unlockable beards.
Here, for GAMINGtruth, I present a primer on beards, and the right and wrong ways to wear them.
This is obviously the worst idea, as this will probably get you shot at by even your own teammates. This one is right out the window.
“The Wise One”
This one would be better, because, well, people would ask you for sage advice, and nothing says sage like Wise Beard Man. Your tombstone will read, after “caring father, brother, son and husband” : His words were wise; his face was beard.
“The Shed Dweller”
I dont think you need me to tell you why this one is a bad idea, although if you can set a demolitions expert with this beard, I demand a screenshot, post haste!
“The ‘Adoption Enthusiast'”
This one is also bad, because nobody wants a smelly vagrant with 16 adopted kids in their foxhole.
YES! Not sure about the flannel, but this is better. Slap a boonie cap on him and maybe a pair of RayBans, and you’ve got yourself a grizzled war hero. And c’mon, that axe he’s hefting around would scare the cous-cous out of those stupid terrorists.
“The Easy Payment of $19.95”
This one says several things, but “stealthy” isnt one of them. Any man who sports this beard shouldn’t be a Tier One Operator, because he’ll be yelling things like “YOU GET ONE, NOT TWO, BUT THREE BULLETS!” and “BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE!”. If you can pull it off, then you should wear it proudly; But for the love of God stay off comms.
Alright, this guy looks like the lovechild of Colonel Sanders and Davy Jones. I dont want him on my team.
His beard’s upkeep doesnt require any trimming or styling, only daily “unleashing”.
Yeah, I went there.
(I wonder if his beard was what actually predicted the end of the FIFA World Cup?)
“The Full Body Beard”
Soldier, I told you beards are authorized on the FACE, not the ARMS!
Cousin It here could probably weave all of that into a sheet and stop bullets; If you can pull it off in-game, you’re probably going to be taking point. Nothing says “Point Man” like a bulletproof hair-burkha.
Nothing says “Bad Ass Motherf*cker” like Epic Beard Man’s beard. Whether you be breaching and clearing a shanty in an Afghan village, or beating some gangsta wannabe’s ass on a city bus, this is the beard for you.
This is too much win for me to comprehend. If you can use your beard as a melee weapon, you are truly a must-have member for my team.
This is the kind of beard that screams to other people, “Hey! Im not allowed within 100 yards of an elementary school!”, and should therefore be obvious to you people that this beard is not allowed in the Special Forces.
Other names of this variation include: “The Alabama Bucket Brush”, “The NRA Gun Club Leader”, “The Tea-Bagger”, “The Tin Foil Hatter” and “The Creepy Southern Preacher”.
“The General Issue”
These men know what they’re doing. These men are calm, collected, and unshaven. I sleep easy at night knowing that these men are out there protecting our inalienable rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of beard.
Thank you for your time, fellow gamers! Live long, game hard, and practice proper beard growth and upkeep!!